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Shalom Bayit – Marital therapy
I felt respect and love, and I felt it!!
I was born in a haredi environment, and consider myself as a haredi person. I married a harediwoman from a Chasidic family. Immediately after the wedding, I felt that she was not interested in me. She did everything she was supposed to do, but only technically. Her tone of voice when talking to me was quite sharp while mine was very soft. I felt that she was spoiling the code of conduct suitable for a Jewish home – both spiritually and materially, and she wouldn’t even let me express myself and say what I think. Anything I said she would rebut or say, “That’s not normal”. I would plead with her: “Before you decide something, please ask what I think first.” But she would laugh at me, “Are you a baby or something?” or “If you think differently, so tell me and argue with me, and if you have nothing to say, so then I’m right. Any time you don’t say otherwise, I’ll do as I wish.” I felt that if I did try to say something, it caused a whole argument so it was better to keep my mouth closed. In short, I began to feel that she had no faith in me and that she didn’t love me. My self-confidence was completely destroyed, she made all of the halachic decisions, and when I would begin to say something at the Shabbes table, she would interrupt and finish what I was saying (usually not what I had intended to say…). She did not understand physical relations at all; she couldn’t have anyone stand or sit too close… and certainly nothing beyond that.
I began to feel that I had been swindled. I tried to find more strength through my [religious] beliefs, but it was as though I was some kind of lustful brute and that everything was my fault, which led me to live with self-accusations and to work against myself. Inside, I was angry with her. I am embarrassed to admit it, but in truth I would sometimes secretly pray that she would die, G-d forbid. I couldn’t see a way out.
After a few years, the secret began to come out through jokes with my friends about women in general and in particular about my wife. I went to therapists who told me that they had never met such a tough case. At first she refused to go – until the therapist prepared me and I was ready to leave her. Then she absolutely had to go for treatment. Over the next two years, we learned how to communicate better, to make ourselves clear and to speak respectfully to each other. We learned various tactics for use during crises, and our physical relationship improved. But the thoughts that I had been swindled and that she didn’t love me continued – it was even worse than before since it was all very finely veiled, and not emphasized as it had been in the past. My close friends who knew and who heard what was happening, those who heard how she would talk to me on the phone in her harsh, loud voice would laugh with me on her account. They made me feel that they would not put up with such a woman. This all added fat to the fire secretly burning in me, and I would cry internally about my circumstances – and I was generally depressed.
The whole time I was searching for techniques and books that could perhaps help me get out this state of affairs or for someone who could perhaps understand me. We went to all kinds of therapists and learned something from each of them. When we would go to a new therapist, my wife would start to talk, and then the therapist would complain about the things that I had done. I would feel as though a knife was being twisted in my guts. I tried to show how much I was suffering, and if I had failed in something, so what? I became the victim, and the more I suffered, all the better for me. This was the best way I found that I could deal with the affair (but on the other hand, I had no rest from it).
Providence led me. It is written in Psalms 37, 23″מה’ מצעדי גבר ודרכו יחפץ” – Hashem plans a man’s actions and he delights in his way. I wanted to learn a certain technique from Eliezer Spetter and I made a course of appointments with him to coincide with a two-week visit to Jerusalem – two meetings a day to learn a certain technique. When I told him a little about what I was suffering from, he changed our plans and did TAT with me instead.
That was in 2005. I had been married for more than twelve years. Over those two weeks, we had eighteen meetings. What can I say? They changed my whole life from stern to stern. I have to admit that while we were doing it, I was very skeptic. I felt as though he was playing with my real feelings, but when he said that it was all over, that it was finished and that I was cured, I looked at him as though he was out of his mind. What did he mean that it’s all over, etc? In the course of the meetings, we also discussed why I needed therapy – since it was she who needed it. She was the one who needs to change. What will change if I leave the pain and the sorrow behind? And the list continued, all different kinds of thoughts and feelings. But since all the meetings had been planned in advance, I allowed myself to go the full course. Inside, I laughed, but Eliezer, innocently continued without changing a thing.
After I had returned home, I thought to myself, “Nu, another kind of therapy”. I considered it all nonsense. My condition was too bad for anything to have any real effect. I returned to my wife, and to my great surprise, I regarded her quite positively. I laughed to myself, “Who are you kidding?”. Yet I couldn’t deny the fact that I began to life this positive approach. A few weeks later I found myself living in a different reality, something had turned around and I was able to put up with her. When my friends made jokes about her it really hurt. I did not know what to say to them, but I couldn’t bear them putting her down.
A few weeks passed, and wonder of wonders, she started to compromise, without my asking her to. It was like magic. I am a very practical person, and I thought, “Ah, you’re imagining things”, but it was so powerful that I couldn’t deny it. Most important, I “felt” respect and love for her, and that she returned them!!! I can truly admit that since then we may have had harsh words but no more than once or twice, and certainly not the way we had in the past. We both knew how to prevent that. “מה אשיב לה’ כל תגמולוהי עלי” – How can I repay the Lord for all of his goodness to me? Any you, Rav Eliezer were the emissary to implement it. “People of good merit, merit good deeds.” May G-d give you the merit of being the emissary to help many more people who are in need of healing.
With great esteem,
My physical marriage problem
The reason that I came to Eliezer was due to a problem that began when I got married. I could not be with my husband. I was closed. This caused a great deal of frustration.
After one treatment, I started to feel a change. Later, I became more sure of myself and more physically relaxed and was able to be with my husband.
All is well now – just after a few treatments.
We are really thankful to Hashem for TAT.
Thank you Eliezer.
To Eliezer Spetter,
To be completely free to fill my life with real content
I’m so very glad that I chose to use TAT to get rid of my “unwanted baggage” and bad experiences, and thus to succeed in controlling myself in not getting angry and to restore peace and tranquility in my life.
During the treatment, I discovered new insights:
• One does not need “large traumas” for big upsets to happen. Miscomprehension of some small matter or a seemingly insignificant, yet unpleasant incident can have major implications, and through Eliezer Spetter’s therapeutic method one can change and be changed easily.
• Treatment is necessary and important even in the early stages of difficulties. “Shlepping” one’s issues can worsen them. Repression, denial, burying one’s head in the sand and the thought that we are strong and not affected by anything do not prevent issues from growing – and the consequences are significant throughout our lives.
• To be mentally free is not an unaffordable luxury! Especially with the advantage of discovering amazing abilities that I never dreamed I had within me. In addition, I am now able to look at life properly, more realistically – an approach which now allows me to live my life in a more relaxed way without the previous heavy feeling which always accompanied me. To be completely free to fill my life with real content. The pressure and the difficulty which filled my life have completely vanished!
• However, we must not forget to thank G-d for the wonderful tool named TAT, and must always remember that it is all His doing.
Some treatments seem too simple and their power too great..
I thank you for helping “renew” my life and improving its quality.
Shalom Bayit and personal growth
To Dear Chava and Eliezer,
There are no words to describe the great change in my life due to the treatment.
I am 45 years of age and after a few months of treatment from Chava my whole life has changed.
- Medical problems from which I have suffered for many years have disappeared completely.
- Emotional problems: pressure and tension that were an integral part of my life have gone and I am more relaxed and calm in my day to day life.
- In my relationship with my husband, TAT and Chava’s treatments have helped me understand how to change and improve myself, and have also made an enormous impression on my husband (he did not have treatment). Thus, our whole relationship has changed beyond recognition.
In addition to all of the above, my sixteen year old son was treated by Eliezer. After only a few sessions we saw him change from a mixed up, insecure boy to a strong and self assured young man.
A thousand thanks to Eliezer and Chava for their wonderful work.
My Family changed because I changed
I came for treatment. I felt extremely bad. I had a lot of problems at home with my husband and the children. I was angry. I could not deal with the children. I couldn’t cope on my own. I was very depressed, very sad. I cried a lot and took pills to calm me down. Two hours later it would all start again.
I came to Chava Spetter and learned how to deal with all of my issues. After three months I feel wonderful. I don’t cry any more and I am not depressed. Happy, and function better at home. I have calmed down and so has my home.
All of this through Chava Spetter and TAT.
I had many problems in my relationship with my husband and my children
Adar 5771 March 2011–04–04
Dear Rav Eliezer,
First of all I must thank Hashem who sent me to you to be treated through TAT.
I had many problems in my relationship with my husband, my children, in society in general – and with myself. I was uptight; I was uncomfortable to be around people and could not trust them. Thank G-d, after six TAT treatments with Rav Eliezer Spetter I can say that I live in peace and harmony with my family, with people in general and, most important, with myself. I don’t let my feelings get the better of me, I can control them, I have belief in Hashem and my life is beautiful.
I would also like to point out something to all those who still hesitate. Contrary to the psychological treatment that I underwent, this treatment, TAT, does not demand a long period of time nor does it cost a lot of money,
I thank you with my heart and soul.
P.S. I saw the changes from week to week when my wife returned from the treatments. It was as though layers of obstruction were being peeled away. It seemed unbelievable at the time, unreal, and happened so quickly. Believe me, it works was worth it.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart – the husband.
TAT CAN SAVE MARRIAGES
I came to Eliezer after someone had recommended a treatment called TAT. I knew nothing about this or any similar technique. I came for treatment and did not understand exactly what would happen.
I was in an uncomfortable emotional state. We were about to be divorced and the situation at home was not pleasant. I felt as though I needed to get help as soon as possible.
I sat opposite Eliezer and we began the treatment. I remember that while talking and just doing the other things connected to the treatment, I felt really connected to very deep things – in my consciousness, my soul, my past, my life. Things that came up just overwhelmed me.
The first treatment helped me immensely. First of all by bringing some calm to myself, some composure. There was a feeling of healing, of a prayer for healing, a direct connection and full enjoyment of what I was experiencing – and even though I had not said anything I felt connected to a source and tried to treat the root of my problems.
Then came the second, third and fourth meetings and I can honestly say that all this helped my relationship with my wife. I felt an enormous change in my attitude towards her. I remember that two days after a treatment, a week before the date that we were to be divorced, I suddenly said to my wife, “We have to go out for a meal together”. She did not understand what I was talking about, and then I explained that we should finish it all off in a pleasant manner, and not be mad at each other. To my astonishment even though she was cross with me she agreed. We sat in the restaurant and we had the most sincere conversation; the deepest things came out. I know that Eliezer and I had worked on my relationship with my wife and how she regards me. And it all proved itself in the most wonderful way. We had prayed for a miracle, and this miracle was the only thing that could save us.
I finally understood that all that I had worked on was for not only myself but also my spouse, and I gained from all of that.
I understood from Eliezer that even though I came with the attitude of “that’s it” that’s the end of the relationship, I could work on anything and everything that had been stored up throughout my life with the help of this technique.
At the restaurant I expressed all of this and I saw how my wife listened, how she was open to hear me, and slowly things changed. Within two or three weeks we began we began to live differently. I noticed her, I realized her needs, and her behavior towards me changed as well. She didn’t want the divorce any more. I have no explanation except that she understood that I had changed.
A month later, a therapist asked her what had been so wonderful about the past month. My wife answered that she feels that I notice her, that she finally feels that I have made a change in my life, that I am less angry and more understanding. She feels the change and that is what made her decide to go ahead, to do away with the divorce and rebuild our relationship.
I cannot say what will happen one or two years down the line, but I do know that this period has been crucial for us personally, for our relationship, and I also know that it has given me a lot of fuel to continue in the future.
Shalom Bayit and serious problems in communicating with my father-in-law
My husband and I had serious problems in communicating with his father. Over the years, this harmed and disturbed our marriage.
My husband and I understood each other and understood the situation, but sometimes something regarding his father would arise again and cause friction between us.
It should not be understood that we were resigned to the situation or accepted it, but things just continued as they were.
We felt that it had something to do with us. We knew that my father-in-law could help us and give us things, but somehow he always left us out and gave to my husband’s siblings instead. We never said anything.
During one of my treatments with Dr. Spetter, I felt the need to be honest with myself and we began working on this particular issue. Dr. Spetter emphasized the need to be with myself and to be honest.
I must add that I had met with my father-in-law and spoken to him bluntly, but my husband found it much harder to do so and shrunk from the actual task of speaking to him. Their only communication would be in short sentences such as “How are you?”
That day I did not tell my husband which issue we had worked on at Dr. Spetter’s dedicated treatments.
The following day my husband called me and said that I would not believe what he was about to tell me. I wondered what had happened.
He told me that he did not know how, but he called father and decided to meet with him and discuss all those unsolved matters. The meeting was excellent and my husband was very pleased with the outcome. Their talk led to more serious developments and now my father-in-law realizes that we are humans too and that he cannot do as he likes with us or with our feelings.
We are now a few months after the treatment and I recently. I revealed to my husband what had led to the push to his contacting his father.
With much thanks,
My husband ignored me, I was depressed and I was thinking about getting a divorce.
Baruch Hashem, I’m doing well.
Thanks so much for all your help – you helped me get to where I am now.
I came to you in a state of depression and sadness and I was thinking about getting a divorce.
I was so scared of being hurt and I felt that my husband ignored me and the children. I had no hope anymore. Whenever I was happy, I felt he was bringing me down. I was always defending myself. We were blaming each other for everything. I felt unloved and my memories from my youth were blocked.
After we worked with TAT, memories of my father came up: his anger, his criticism and comments, and I noticed that my husband behaved the same way. So you and I started working on all the past memories, and slowly I started to feel better and became happier and I had more fun with my children. Although my husband has not changed, it does not affect me anymore. So we talk better, we laugh more together and I am happy that I stayed with him.
Thanks to Hashem for getting me in contact with Chavah so I could heal using TAT.